I don't, I feel pretty good today, But here are a few good jokes anyway :)
(Don't worry, they're all clean!)
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right Stupid, Get in."
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?'
Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!'
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This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket. Follow these four point instructions, the technique never fails.
Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store.
Say to her, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the supermarket somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The pretty girl will ask: 'Why?'
You reply: 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air.'
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Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.
Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.
Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'
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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses 700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me', announces Cavan.
He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost �700 and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda. 'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
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A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver, Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer's land.
The old farmer said, 'Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favour? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?'
Brannagh replied, 'Of course I will,' and strolled back to the car.
While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his hunting friends. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, 'No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won't forget.'
With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and shot the donkey. As he shouted, 'To be sure, that will teach him,' a second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled, 'And me, begorrah, I got the cow!'
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Please tell me which one you like best!
~Chilly~
